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Play by Play of My Girlfriend Watching the US Olympic Woman’s Hockey Gold Medal Winning Shootout

Tonight history was made when the USA Woman’s Olympic Hockey team won the Gold medal against Canada, claiming first place for the first time since 1998. To make matter more exciting, they did so in a shootout of all things, which is every 10-year old’s and fair weather fan’s dream come true.

The last time I remember a US team winning in a shootout this happened:

All I know is that after, every boy in first grade class inexplicably had a newfound sense of patriotism.

I actually wasn’t watching the hockey game, choosing instead to spend the night to check out new Netflix movies. Spoiler alert, there are like 5,000 of them every week and it is impossible to stop them or get a handle on them.

Still, once the movie ended I perused Twitter and saw that this game was on, in Overtime no less. I decided that this would be a great opportunity to watch a historic moment with my beloved.

My girlfriend had other ideas deciding to put on a Grace Vanderall music video on YouTube. I have never heard of her, but apparently she is better than Olympic history

Once it hit shootouts, I knew it would be and I knew she wouldn’t care at all.

The below is the play by play of me trying to get her attention on the game.

5 Seconds before the shootout starts – I poke her to watch and she turns her head quickly, commenting, “How old are these girls? They look young?” The bitterness is already starting.

I don’t know how she could sniff out the age of these girls when they are wearing a helmet, but women have intuition like that. I can feel an air of disapproval mixed with envy.

It is similar to how I feel when I make my player 18 years old in 2K and think whistfully about what could have been if I stayed in shape and got my jumper to fall.

30 Seconds in – I try to get her to watch after the first Canadian, Natalie Spooner, is denied by US Goalie Maddie Rooney.

“What’s a shootout?”

The ignorance is not endearing or cute right now. Grace Vanderall is still playing, and taking center stage I might add.

Her watching the replay of  Gigi Marvin’s Goal – “These girls look like they are going to kill someone!”

I actually have nothing snarky to say here. These girls are scary and I would not want to meet them in a dark alley.

I am also not sure if Marvin’s technique of crashing into the net is preferred, but do know this is 100% how I would approach any shootout situation.

3 minutes in watching the saves of Rooney – “I would not play with a pony tail. Just be careful out there.”

I never knew that professional athlete teams were in such desperate need for styling tips. It’s a service that they didn’t even ask for, but my girlfriend is more than willing to doll out for free.

I heard she is flying to Korea next week for a free clinic on face contouring to the speed skaters. Team spirit!

3:10 in – She has asked me to explain what a shootout is again. This time I told her to just effing watch. She finally realizes what it is, but at the same time, not at all exclaiming, “Oh shit, it’s 1 on 1 like street ball.”

She would go on to compare it to Football later. I’m not sure if I should just throw in the towel and agree, or sleep on the futon out of pure disgust.

The start of the second shootout round – “This is fucked up.”  What exactly I’m not sure either of us know. But hey, she is fucking into it, I will take it! Go USA.

2 Seconds later – A Khalid video starts playing; YouTube music videos are basic girls’ crack.

Me informing her that we won after Jocelyne Lamoureux-Davidson’s goal – I let her know that have won. “Is this for the gold medal?” I tell her yes, chewing my tongue to pieces by this point.

“We’re better than Canada bitches! Fuck Drake…no wait, I like Drake.”

2 Seconds Later – Looking back at the music video, “That’s Kel from Keenan and Kel.”

Congratulations from 1/2 of my household to USA Women’s Hockey.

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